12 Kinds of Christmas Crazy
by ForPony39
Summary: Storybrooke is a funny place with funny people and a little magic to make it interesting. replace the word 'funny' with 'insane' and the 'little' with 'too damn much' and you get the top 12 count down of hilarity. Crack!fic with the whole town along for the ride. Rated for some swearing
1. Chapter 1

**This story was based on a request by Andi88 and a once poem she wrote based on the 12 days of Christmas, so this is dedicated to her! It should be about 3 to 4 chapters long and I've cracked it to hell and back - best of all?**

**I'm not even sorry :) hope you all enjoy.**

...

Snow knew Emma had a bad day as soon as she walked through the door, she didn't say hi, she didn't take off her shoes, she seemed almost in a daze as she walked past Snow who was fixing a few decorations for the Christmas party tonight.

Snow however didn't know how bad until she saw her daughter walk into the kitchen open the fridge and take out one of the wine bottle being chilled for the party, unceremoniously uncorked and took a long head tilting drink from it.

When Emma didn't bother with a glass you knew it had been one hell of a day.

"Wow" Snow said coming to stand at the kitchen island with her "starting the party early I see"

Emma gave a look that could only be described as harried

"God help me this has been the weirdest day of my life"

Snow plucked a glass flute from one of the trays she'd arranged and took the bottle from her. She knew Emma was in no way used to magic, now that it was part of her life she was sure there was bound to be a few more of these days to come she thought as she poured her daughter a glass and handed it to her.

"I know this afternoon was weird…" Snow conceded referring to another incident entirely.

"Family photo's didn't even break my top ten for today" Emma cut her off, shaking her head as she accepted the flute.

Now Snow was curious.

"What exactly has been going on today?" she asked

Emma emptied the flute in one go before putting it back on the kitchen counter.

"I'll tell you, but I'm not guaranteeing it's going to make one damn bit of sense"

* * *

**Henry's 12 Steeds**

_Henry was getting kind of tired of waiting for his horse to tell him he was ready to ride, he'd mucked its stall and brushed it's flank a hundred times, he even talked to it, giving his horse definitive reasons why it should tell him he was ready to ride so he could tell charming that the horse had said so at last._

"_You know I'm ten but I totally brought the saviour - she's my mom"_

"…"

"_Would it not be cool to tell the other horses that your rider is the son of Storyebrooke's saviour who broke the curse?"_

"… _*snort* …"_

"… _touché horse, touché."_

_What? He lived in a weird town, there was magic here after all - maybe the horse understood him. In fact he was starting to suspect the horse was mocking him sometimes. Damn horse. _

_He even tried bribery, brought three green apples everyday. _

_And it still wasn't working. He wondered if he was asking the right horse. Surely he was ready by now? So today he just stuffed those apples in his pocket, intent on rewarding the horse that would let him ride as he went from stable to stable, asking._

_He also went from stable to stable, not latching the doors properly…_

"David, how's it going?" Emma asked, walking up to him as he picked a stone out of one of the horses hooves.

He looked up and smiled as his daughter approached, stopping what he was doing.

"Emma" he said giving her a big hug "good to see you" he said, sounding excited.

"David… can't… breathe" she gasped.

"Oh" he said letting her go hastily, "sorry" he apologized as Emma caught her breath.

"What brings you out to the stables this early in the morning?" he asked, still grinning at her.

"It's Monday - thought I'd give Henry a ride to school" she explained, looking about for her son.

"He's mucking one of the stalls" David told her, hitching a thumb over his shoulder.

"Hey, Snow and I were wondering if you'd come over this afternoon for a family Christmas picture" he asked hopefully.

"Uh… yeah" Emma agreed unsurely "that sounds - wait, what's that noise?" She interrupted herself. Both listened for a moment - sounded like thunder… and wailing?

And it sounded like it was getting clos-

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh hh!"

Henry went by like he'd been shot out of a cannon, a blur of speed and sound while twelve horse trotted after him, all seemingly intent on nipping something out of his pockets.

"HENRY!" Emma and David shouted in unison, both taking after the boy.

* * *

"Oh my god!" Snow gasped, hand covering her mouth

"Is he alright? Why did no one tell me? Ooooo, charming is in SO much trouble" she grated.

Emma held up her hand, placating Snow "easy warrior queen, Henry was fine - took us a bit to catch up to him, that kid can run when he wants too" Emma marvelled to herself, finishing off another glass of wine.

"Turns out he had some apples in his pockets, once he ditched them the horses stopped chasing him" Emma said, "Then we had to get all the horses back in the stalls - needless to say that made Henry late for school"

"So he's ok?"

"He's probably not going anywhere near those stables for awhile but yeah he's ok. You know that kid has an unusually high scream" Emma observed as Snow slowly filled her glass again.

"Is that normal?" she asked.

"Emma he's ten" Snow told her - maybe Emma was knocking the wine back a little fast…

"Anyways," Emma continued, "That particular sight was the tamest and most normal of today…"

* * *

**Granny's 11 Crossbows**

_Those damn raccoons! Granny had tried everything, EVERYTHING! To get them to stop tearing into her garbage cans at night but no matter what she did they kept coming back, seemingly laughing at her traps and decoys before adeptly disabling them like mini fury ninja's. They then made a mess and then left paw prints everywhere just so she'd know they had indeed been there and yes, the number of f*cks they gave about her determent measures were in fact none._

_One night morning whilst cleaning up one of the night mess's (cursing as she did) she heard someone clearing their throat behind her and looked up to see Mr. Gold_

"_You know I may be able to help you with this problem" he smiled "For a price of course…"_

Emma had just dropped Henry off at school when she got the call.

"Sheriff" she answered somewhat tersely

"Emma!" Granny said, sounding alarmed "I need help! We have to get my garbage cans off the street!"

"… Ok, I'll bite" Emma said slowly "why?"

"Because they're dangerous!" Granny explained, sounding dire.

* * *

"Wow" Emma said

"I know" Granny replied, staring at the sight before them both with a little embarrassment.

"I've heard of overkill, but Granny - holy shit" Emma gaped.

The "overkill" in question were the eleven floating crossbows pointed at her garbage cans.

"You see the problem of course. Gaston's going to be by with his garbage truck soon - he's a little shite sure, but he doesn't deserve to be shot in the ass with a crossbow" Granny conceded with a shrug.

"How did you even-" Emma began, taking a step forward.

All the crossbows pointed in her direction with a sound much like the safety being pulled off a gun.

"Whoa, ok" Emma said quickly taking a step back, crossbows going back to the ready position.

"They're a tad touchy, sorry" Granny apologized, sighing.

"I see that."

* * *

"Wait, why did they make that noise? Crossbows don't have safeties" Snow found herself asking, interrupting the story

"Seriously - eleven floating crossbows guarding a garbage bin like it's the president and your question is about how they sound?" Emma returned, voice completely deadpan.

"It's a legitimate question!" Snow argued defensively

"I don't know, maybe Gold thought it'd be funny, that impish little bastard" Emma growled.

"Wait, Gold? What does he have to do with any of this?" Snow asked, looking very confused.

"If you'd let me finish the story-"

"You're right, sorry - continue" Snow said, waving her hand to encourage her to keep going.

* * *

"They're a tad touchy sorry" Granny apologized, sighing.

"I see that" Emma answered back.

"They were suppose to stop guarding at first light but as you can see they've simply become more -"

One of the crossbows jerked to the left and fired, nailing a passing crow out of the air with an almost comically loud 'CAW'

Both blinked, stunned by the lightning fast little display.

"… Vigilant?" Emma finished for her

"Yes" Granny agreed.

The crossbow fell to the ground - it's arrow spent, that gave Emma an idea.

"Got anything we can give these things to shoot?" Emma asked

"… I've got some Christmas oranges that are about to go bad"

* * *

"Christmas oranges?" Snow repeated laughing

"Yeah - you ever play fruit ninja on the iphone?"

"No" Snow said shaking her head

"Oh. Well it was like that - but with crossbows and, for most people, the influence of LSD" Emma said "In my life we skips the drugs - crap's weird enough as it is"

* * *

Emma threw the last squishy orange in the air towards the garbage can, arrow streaking towards it and impaling it to one of the tree's.

Granny was laughing.

"That was strangely satisfying" she sighed happily

"I know, it's weird" Emma nodded smiling.

She then shook her head like she was snapping some sanity back into herself.

"I mean no - no it was not, what the hell Granny?" she pointed to the pile of crossbows.

"Who jerry rigged this crazy for you?" she asked.

Granny had the grace to look a little ashamed of herself.

"Gold" she muttered, eyes down cast "I made a deal with him"

Emma very nearly bust a gasket.

"What!?" she almost shrieked

"I was desperate!"

"What did you give him in return?"

Granny squirmed on the spot, looking reluctant to tell.

"Granny don't drag this out, my stomach is dropping into my feet as it is" Emma sighed in exasperation, eyes looking heavenward.

Granny sighed and told her…

* * *

"Three barks?" Snow repeated

Emma nodded and poured herself yet another glass of wine - sipping at it a bit slower now.

"What the hell does that even mean, three barks?" Snow asked

"Just that - she had to bark three times" Emma explained

"… I don't get it" Snow said after a minute.

"Neither did I at first - I just thought Gold was being an asshole" Emma confessed.

Emma giggled then "We should totally tell him we think he's an asshole - no one is ever that blunt with him, it'd be funny" she snorted.

Snow looked at her daughter for a minute before slowly sliding the bottle of wine away from her.

"Riiiight. Back to the story - what did you do next?" Snow prodded.

"Well, then it was off to see the wizard…"

* * *

**Mr. Gold's 10 Deals**

_Mr. Gold was looking for a gift - not just any gift, the _perfect _gift - for his lovely Belle. _

_Trying to get what she would like best out of her was like trying to teach a cat how to do circus tricks - futile._

"_Just be with me for Christmas" she'd always say._

_But he wanted to awe her with something, see her eyes light up when she opened the perfect gift. He'd looked high and low, through treasures in his shop to treasures in other stores but he found nothing - until he saw it one day while wandering around a local bookstore. A rare, leather bound copy of the tales of brothers grim, only one left._

_Belle loved books, belle loved these kinds of books - it was like a sign from god he thought reaching for it -_

_Only to have Regina swoop in and snatch it off the shelf before he could touch it._

_That bloody harpy!_

"_Excuse me your majesty" He began in poisonously false tone of cheer "that would be mine" he told her as she turned to look at him._

_Her lips curved up in a wicked smile_

"_Really?" she said making a show of examining it._

"_Funny, I don't see your name on it" she said innocently._

_Gold snapped his fingers and 'Rumplestilskin' spelt itself into the leather cover, letter by letter. _

"_Right there" he said smugly "it's called age, does a trick on the eyes" _

_Regina waved her hand over the letters so they spelt 'ugly imp' _

"_Would you look at that, so it is" she said with a false look of surprise_

"_Very mature your majesty" Gold sneered._

"_You want this book?"_

"_Yes" he told her with a glare, only realizing his mistake as he said it - damn it._

"_Willing to make a bet for it?" she asked, smiled becoming devious…_

Emma walked into the shop, slamming the door behind her to purposefully abuse the little door bell to let him know, yes it was her and yes, she was pissed.

He stood behind the counter with his trade mark sly half smile that could mean anything as she approached him

"Sheriff Swan" he greeted with his usual cordial manner.

"How may I-"

Emma punched him in the face so hard he flew back and hit the wall.

"You sir, are an asshole" she told him firmly.

* * *

"Emma! What the hell!?" Snow gasped

"Ok, ok that last part didn't happened, that was just some storytelling therapy" Emma admitted, pressing the mouth of her beer bottle back to her lips and taking a long drink.

"Ok thank god." Snow sighed, relieved. "Where did you get the beer?"

"I don't even know" Emma admitted holding the bottle back to look at it "I'm so done asking questions today - I'm just gonna go with Santa gave it to me" Emma shrugged before busting out into a fit of laughter.

"O-k then… so what really happened?" Snow inquired.

* * *

"How may I help you today?" Gold asked

"How about by not going around town and making crossbows floating weapons of terror?" Emma suggested "cause that would make my day a lot less stressful - and weird."

"I was merely providing a highly sought service for a tenant" Gold shrugged.

"Were you drunk when you made the deal?" Emma asked coolly

"Whatever do you mean dearie?" Gold asked, looking as if he should be wearing some kind of halo as he asked.

"You made her bark for floating crossbows - which by the way is possibly the strangest thing I've ever said out loud" she noted before continuing

"So how about you tell me what the hell you're up to before I get clumsy and break something in your shop?"

"You break it you buy it" he countered, friendly smile taking on a challenging edge.

"Gonna call the cops if I don't? Oh wait" she laughed "I am the cops"

Mr. Gold sighed.

"Alright miss Swan I'll make a deal with you-"

"Ha - no thanks, been in that boat. Can't say I liked it" Emma interrupted shaking her head.

"Oh I think you'll want to" he assured her with that untrustworthy glint in his eye.

"I will tell you about all ten deals I made-"

"Ten!?"

Emma's jaw just about hit the floor while he continued like she hadn't spoken

"- and why in return for one thing" he said holding up a single finger like she needed a visual cue for the number one - what a pompous dick.

"And that would be?"

"Show me your best disco dance moves"

* * *

Snow started laughing so hard she almost fell off her stool.

"Oh Emma" she said, wiping a tear from her eye "You're to funny sometimes" she told her daughter.

"Come on, what did he really want?" she asked, still giggling.

"Yeeeeah, I'm not making that part up" Emma told her "pretty sure couldn't if I tried"

"…Oh" Snow said.

* * *

"Show me your best disco dance moves"

"… You're f*cking kidding right?"

"I assure you I'm very serious" he told her straight faced.

"No" Emma said shaking her head for emphasis on how hard she was not agreeing to this deal.

"Miss swan I'm shocked" Gold said, placing his hand over his heart.

"You could find out exactly what kind of havoc magic is wreaking on ten people, allowing you to better help those souls for the cost of one disco dance move" he tittered at her like she was a grade school child who'd done something naughty.

"And you would turn that chance down on account of pride? My, my dearie - what kind of sheriff do you purport to be?" he asked with a full grin.

"I hate you" Emma told him with a glare that may have dropped him dead on the spot if he hadn't been the dark one for three hundred years.

As it was it only made his grin widen.

"Do we have a deal?" he asked.

Emma closed her eyes tightly like she was experiencing pain

"Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the donkey give me strength - yes we have a deal"

"Excellent" Gold said, sounding pleased.

He went down the list of deals first.

Ruby apparently got a vision of the perfect gift for Billy if she dyed her hair red and green, Jefferson made a deal for some small useless portals in exchange for eating six tea bags, Granny she'd already dealt with, Sneezy made a deal to stop sneezing in exchange for wearing a dress all day, five other dwarves (Grumpy, Dopey, Doc, Sleepy and Bashful) all made deals to get rid of their Christmas party hangovers for doing the chicken dance, and last but not least -

"You, your best disco dance moves for hearing all of this" he said, indicating 'all this' with a grand sweep of his hand.

Emma couldn't help it, she just gaped at him at a complete loss for words.

Finally she found her voice

"Why?!"

"Regina has something I want, and we made a bit of a wager for it - she bet I couldn't get ten people to agree to ten absurd deals"

He chuckled

"The mayor underestimates me greatly" he informed her.

* * *

"Those two… my god" Snow said, at a loss for words herself

"I know, plus I pretty much just got ten idols of proof that Mr. Gold could sell ice to Eskimo's" Emma said, mulling the image over in her head and smiling goofily.

"What dance move did you do?" Snow finally decided to ask.

"All of them"

"You're kidding."

"No - I rock disco"

Snow did fall off her chair laughing this time.

"I'm not helping you up" Emma told her, sulking red face with her beer.

"Ohmygodthatstoofunny!" Snow wheezed on the only breath she could manage between laughs

"I had to shake it for Gold today Mary-Margret, I need another drink before I throw myself head first out a window" Emma said, looking at her mostly empty beer longingly.

"Oh Emma" Snow laughed getting up off the floor after a minute or two "you've had one hell of a day" She acknowledged, patting her daughters shoulder sympathetically - moment ruined only by her giggling.

"Yeah" Emma said, finishing off her beer "If only it stopped there"

...

**Feed back is always appreciated, Lurvs you guys and thanks for reading! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**The probability of this being finished before Christmas is a low, but in for a penny in for a pound right?**

**Plus I'm having way to much fun :)**

**...**

**Belle's 9 Pages**

_Belle was just reading at her desk at the library, a quiet day and most of the cleaning done she figured she deserved a break to bury herself in a good book. It wasn't until she heard someone scurrying about that she realized she in fact was not alone in the library. _

_She peeked over the top of her book to see a young woman in nun garb collecting pages as if she was in a great hurry all of a sudden - trying to hold a great deal of loose pages together. _

"_Oh Nova" she said to herself, dropping more pages to the floor and scrambling to pick them up._

"_Why are you such a klutz!?" she admonished herself harshly as Belle closed her book and went to offer her assistance. _

_However this Nova was already quickly stumbling out, dropping pages as she went and disappearing through the door. _

"_W-wait!" Belle called after her - but it was too late, Nova was gone._

_Belle leaned over and picked up one of the pages she dropped, noticing a warm tingling sensation in the fingers that touched the page as she looked down to see what was written on them. _

"_1 of 9, the dance of the inanimate…" Belle read aloud …_

"Well that was certainly entertaining" Gold remarked, laughter in his eyes as Emma finished doing the lawnmower.

"Yeah, laugh it up crypt keeper" Emma retorted, reaching into her pocket to answer her ringing phone.

"Hello?"

"Is this the sheriff!?" a panicked voice asked, sounding like they were at the site of some kind of construction.

"Yes it is, sorry can you speak up I can hardly hear you" Emma said, turning and leaving the store (but not before pointing to her eyes and then pointing to Gold who laughed in response)

"My names Belle I work at the library!" The voice shouted into the phone, making Emma wince.

"I need help!" Belle yelled

* * *

When Emma walked into the Library she was pretty sure she's lost it at last.

Book's were flying about the room knocking over chairs that looked to be dancing, a few rags appeared to be washing the windows, broom were sweeping the floor and she was pretty sure the tables were doing the wave.

"What the-GAH!"

A book swooped down on Emma and very nearly clobbered her face.

A hand grabbed her wrist and yanked her to the left, pulling her out of the way just in time and into the janitors closet.

A woman with long brown hair in a blue dress closed the door behind her and quickly turned on a light, both barely able to fit in the cramped space.

"Hi, you must be Emma" The woman who must have been Belle said, slightly out of breath but smiling as she offered her hand.

"Uh yeah, hi" Emma said shaking her hand "Belle right?"

"Yes, nice to meet you" she said brightly.

"Mind telling me what in gods name I just saw, cause I'm feeling pretty Micky mouse in fantasia right now" Emma said, glancing at the closed door as she heard things crashing just outside it.

"There was this girl Nova, she dropped these pages" Belle held up a handful of semi-crumpled papers.

"I was just picking them up, I thought I could go after her and give them back later - then I read one" Belle looked embarrassed.

"I'm not nosey I swear I was just curious" she tried to explain - Emma just held up her hand.

"Hey, no judgement here - then what happened?"

"I read one page out loud and the rags started cleaning the windows"

"Damn, can I borrow that page?" Emma asked.

"I know right? But then I tried to get them to stop and I couldn't" she said wide eyed.

"I read another one and the chairs started to dance, I kept finding pages and reading them hoping they'd stop but more stuff just kept happening" Belle threw up her hands like the process had been maddening.

"Sounds like you were trying to dig yourself out of a hole Belle" Emma remarked lightly as she continued.

"From what I've read I think I have to read the ninth page to make it stop but by the time I got to eight it was too crazy out there to keep looking" she sighed, rubbing her eyes.

"I didn't know what else to do, so I called you" she said, shrugging sheepishly.

Emma sighed "you know -my life was already interesting before I came here, why does the universe deem in necessary to make my life hell by shovelling this on me?"

"I'm sorry" Belle said, looking at her shoes.

"Not your fault - universe just likes to throw cosmic crap at me apparently" Emma told her, reaching up and plucking an empty box from a shelf above her and a dustpan from the floor.

"You find the page - I'll cover you" Emma instructed

"Right" Belle nodded

"Time to fight a magic library" Emma sighed as Belle grasped the door knob

"On three?" Belle asked

"Sounds good"

"Ok… Three!" Belle yelled throwing the door open.

Emma charged forward using the box as a shield and dust pan brandished like a short sword into the chaos

* * *

"I swear that moment should have been in slow motion" Emma said to Snow, opening another beer.

"I got into a fist fight with a mop and I KO'd great expectations when it came at my face - I kinda felt like a badass, is that sad?" Emma asked, throwing the beer cap in the garbage.

"Not many people can say they full on punched out one of the classics" Snow pointed out, trying to reassure her.

"I think I pissed off Belle when I did that" Emma confided in a bit of a slur, sipping her beer.

"Ok, where do you keep getting beer?" Snow asked "I don't even keep beer in the house"

Emma just shrugged.

"Anyways - Belle looked, I fought" Emma continued…

"I got it!" Belle yelled, holding up the page triumphantly.

"Good!" Emma yelled back, holding the box between her and several books trying to plaster themselves to her face as she kicked a tap dancing chair treading on her toes, sending it across the room and knocking a shelf over.

"Think you could, I don't know READ IT!?"

"Right! Sorry!" Belle looked down to the page, lips moving but Emma was unable to hear her as she used the dust pant to swat a rag trying vehemently to scrub her head.

Suddenly everything just dropped to the ground.

"It worked!" Belle chirped, hopping on the spot.

"Fantastic" Emma huffed, dropping the box and the dust pan, reaching down and pulling a chair up to sit down in.

"Are you alright?" Belle asked hesitantly.

"Depends - what time is it?" Emma asked, elbows on her knees, pressing the heel of her palms into her eyes until she saw stars.

"It's eleven thirty" Belle told her

"Mother of god" Emma groaned "I need a nap"

"Would you like me to make some tea for you? It's the least I can do" Belle offered kindly.

"Actually that sounds-" Emma was interrupted by her phone buzzing loudly in her pocket.

"Oh my god you've got to be _kidding_ me!" she spat through grit teeth as she flipped the phone open and put it to her ear

"What?" she snapped.

"Hook and the Mad hatter are having a portal fight in the bar" Grumpy growled over the line "thought you might wanna know about it"

"I shall be over to kill them both promptly" Emma said as cheerfully as possible before hanging up.

"Maybe next time Belle - I'm off to commit a double homicide"

* * *

"A portal fight?" Snow repeated sounding disbelieving at best

"Trust me" Emma said, propping her head up in her hand with her elbow on the counter - face pretty red. "I know"

* * *

**Hook And Jefferson's 8 portals**

_Jefferson knew the portal's he'd received in his odd deal with Mr. Gold wouldn't take him home, simple mover's portals that they were. _

_But it was a start of course he thought as he did his very best to wash the tea leaves out of his mouth with a few brews at the Storybrooke bar that almost no one ever visited besides grumpy and him - it was quiet and nice._

_Until Hook came to town._

_Someone plopped down on the stool next to him_

"_Ah Jefferson - crazy seeing you here"_

_Speak of the devil._

"_Well if it isn't the tool of the seven sea's" Jefferson smiled, turning to face the unfriendly grinning pirate._

"_What brings you here?" Jefferson asked, looking back somewhat uninterestedly at his mug. _

"_Can't an old friend come to see another old friend for a drink?" Hook asked innocently_

"_But of course - just one problem" _

"_Do tell"_

"_We're not friends"_

"_Ah yes, that does put a kink on us being drinking buddies doesn't it?" Hook acknowledged, signalling the bartender to bring him whatever Jefferson was drinking._

"_So what do you want?" Jefferson asked coolly._

"_To ask you what your interest in Emma Swan is" he informed him, tone challenging. _

_Jefferson laughed but not like it was funny. Yes the pirate certainly did seem fond of his sheriff - that was unfortunate. _

_For Hook of course. _

"_Oh I think you know. What do you say we skip the talk and just jump to the better part of this confrontation?" Jefferson suggested, pushing his mug away from him. _

"_Thought you'd never ask" Hook said, cracking his neck…_

Emma had reached her quota of jaw dropping before noon, so when she walked in to the Storybrooke bar to see Jefferson throw Hook into a mirror that swallowed him before spitting him back out from a portal in the ceiling, hitting the floor with a groan, the most she could muster for shock was a sigh. Leroy/grumpy walked past her calmly with his Budweiser.

"All yours sister" he said exiting the bar

"Thanks" Emma snarled after him before returning her attention to the two scrapping idiots.

"Are you two serious?"

"Emma!" Jefferson smiled when he saw her, giving her a small wave. "How are you?" he asked, like a bar fight with portals was a terribly common and quaint occurrence.

Hook reached over from his spot on the floor and tripped him by using his hook to yank Jefferson's foot from under him.

Jefferson reeled back and fell into a table that subsequently pulled him in like a vortex and made him disappear.

"Swan" Hook said getting to his feet "Lovely to see you out and about"

"What. The hell. Is going on?" She asked, enunciating each word slowly and carefully so as not to begin yelling.

Right then Jefferson came flying out of a portrait that hung on the wall so fast he hit the bar and flipped over the counter with a loud thud.

"Nothing" Hook said innocently.

"Clearly" Emma said sarcastically as Jefferson hopped back over the bar like he hadn't a care in the world.

"This is how you use the portals you bartered with Gold for?"

"How'd you know about that?" Jefferson asked, shooting Killian a dirty look, both circling each other.

"I just do" Emma said shrugging with a big fake smile. "Now would someone _please_ explain to me what is going on?"

"We're having a discussion" Hook replied amiably, still circling with Jefferson.

"You're beating the shit out of each other" Emma spat through grit teeth.

"Don't mind him Emma" Jefferson said, somehow managing a half bow to her while still keeping his guard up and in step.

"Hook here needs to learn when he's not wanted"

"Which one of us kidnapped her again?" Hook pondered aloud

"Wait a minute" Emma said, realizing something "Are you two having a pissing match over me?" she asked with disbelief.

Emma pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed "Yes how could I have missed the overbearing smell of testosterone in here"

"Insane isn't it?" Hook said, shooting a pointed look at Jefferson.

"Oh clever, lets give the man a hand Emma" Jefferson said, clapping.

"Oh, that was crazy quick - hats off to you sir" Hook retorted grinning.

"Why don't you both use one of those portals to pull your heads out of your asses" Emma suggested.

Hook lunged forward unexpectedly and grabbed Jefferson by his lapels

"Be with you in a moment love" he winked, pulling Jefferson with him as he stepped into a pillar which was apparently another portal - reappearing from a moose head on the wall. Jefferson had seemed to turn the tables between here and there though and threw Hook against a wall so hard he knocked a picture off of it with a loud crash. They both obviously had no intention of stopping this absurd fight, she'd just have to intervene she thought taking a step forward.

Both men reached out an arm as they saw her do, as if to stop her.

"WAIT!" they both yelled in unison.

Unfortunately it was too late for that as Emma stepped on a card (eight of spades) that was on the floor that she hadn't given a second glance too.

She really should of considering there were portals all over the damn room.

She screamed when it turned out the card was one of them and it sucked her in.

And she was still screaming when a second portal spat her out of one of the beer mugs and onto the bar.

* * *

"What?" Snow said shaking her head as if to clear her ears and hear her better. "How is that possible?" Snow asked

"How is any of this possible?" Emma asked, attempting to make a grand sweep of her arm and almost smacking herself in the face. Yeah she may have had a few to many…

"I step on a card, next thing I know I'm flying out of the mug Jefferson was drinking out of on the bar - which by the way, ow" she said

* * *

"Ow" Emma groaned, lying unmoving on the bar top with Jefferson's drink dribbling on her shoe.

"Emma!" two voice shouted simultaneously.

"_Don't!_" Emma snapped, holding up a hand as both men moved to help her up.

"I will kill the first one of you to touch me" she hissed.

Hook shoved Jefferson forward

"Give her a hand then, I've only go the one" he said with a goading smile.

"When my feet hit the ground" Emma began as she sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bar counter.

"All eight of your little portals will be gone" she said pointing at Jefferson

"And you will be gone" she said pointing at Hook

"Hey!" he complained "Why doesn't he have to leave?" he pouted, pointing his hook at Jefferson who was smiling somewhat smugly.

"Oh he does, but he leaves after you in a hurry - if this is not done, I'm gonna be honest" Emma laughed, in a way that was slightly frightening to both men.

"I can not be held responsible for what I might do"

Emma pointed to the corner of the room.

"But it's going to involve that broom handle, no Vaseline, and in all probability a hospital" she growled.

* * *

"Emma" Snow said, obviously disapproving of the crude threat.

"Hey, all I know is after I said it my boots hit the ground" Emma said, plucking the olive from the Martini in her hand.

"And poof!" she made a flamboyant gesture with her hands "They disappeared, long with all 8 portals"

"Ok, you never even got up to make a Martini what is going on?" Snow said throwing her hands in the air.

"I deserve magic Martinis!" Emma slurred "and what is that noise!?" she demanded with annoyance.

It's been going on in the background for a bit now, the sound of people whistling and the scraping of something outside their apartment.

Emma got up and stumbled over to the window with Snow close behind her, the closer they got the more clearly the could also hear what sounded like arguing...

**7 Dwarves Stringing Up Lights**

"Why don't they light up?"

"Dopey stop spinning you idiot!"

"Maybe we should plug-"

"I'm cold!"

"Shut up - they must be broken"

"Ok now why the hell are they blinking!?"

"They must be broken"

"They're not broken!"

"No, spin the other way! Somebody help"

"Plug it in!"

"This dress is uncomfort-"

"Nobody cares Sneezy! They are plugged in!"

"Flip the switch then!"

"There's a switch?"

"I don't have enough length - untangle him for god sakes!"

"WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?"

Emma threw the window open and stuck her head out.

And very surprisingly almost head butted a dwarf.

"Gah!" Emma screamed

"Ahh!" Grumpy yelped

"You're flying?!" Emma said, sounding clearly exasperated as Snow grabbed the back of her shirt to stop her from falling out the window.

"He's on a ladder Emma" Snow corrected in her 'talking to the drunk girl' voice.

Emma finally notice that Grumpy was indeed on a ladder - he was also not alone.

With him were the rest of the dwarves with piles of Christmas lights. Most were wrapped and twisted around Dopey who was grinning like a moron while the rest of the dwareves tried to either untangle him or free up a few more lengths of lights. Sneezy was trying to help but seemed to be having trouble as the length of the red dress he was wearing kept tangling around his feet and tripping him, causing him to knock other dwarves over - it was very three stooges.

Or you know - seven.

"I asked them to help me string up some Christmas lights earlier today" Snow explained, trying to pull Emma back in through the window but she held onto the sill to stay where she was, staring at grumpy who stared back like he'd sucked a lemon.

"You smell like you drank a bar sister"

"Yeah well you _look_ like you drank a bar" Emma retorted.

"Ok!" Snow laughed nervously, intervening quickly "I'm sorry grumpy she's had a long day" Snow apologized.

"Hey Sneezy!" Emma called, drawing the dwarf's attention to her as he struggled to untangle the hem of the dress he wore.

"I like your dress" Emma complemented him with a thumbs up, causing the other dwarves to snicker while Sneezy's face turned a shade to match said dress.

"Thank you" he mumbled.

"You like not sneezing?" she asked

At this Sneezy gave a big smile.

"It's wonderful!" he told her.

"What do we call you now?" Emma asked looking confused.

Sneezy's smile seemed to wilt a little bit.

"What?"

"You don't sneeze anymore so calling you Sneezy doesn't make any sense" she explained with a shrug.

"My god… you're right" Sneezy said, as if realizing only now how monumental this revelation was.

"WHO AM I?" he cried, tears splashing down his face.

"Oh shit what have I done?" Emma swallowed as Sneezy started wailing.

"Way to go sister" Grumpy grumbled, rolling his eyes "we're never gonna get these lights up" he sighed to himself, rubbing his face.

"Sorry" Emma apologized as Snow pulled her back through the window and closed it behind her.

"Does this seem strange to you?" Snow asked, looking pensive as Emma sat on the couch.

"There are seven dwarves stringing up your Christmas lights, ones in a dress and crying because his name needs to change - I've had to re-evaluate my definition of strange. Also have you heard a word of the story I've been telling?" Emma blinked slowly trying to make the blurriness in her vision dissipate a little.

"Wow, I'm _really_ drunk" Emma admitted to herself.

"No, I mean yes - this is all very, very strange but am I the only one seeing a pattern?"

Emma just stared blankly at Snow so she elaborated.

"12 horse chase Henry, 11 crossbows with Granny, Gold has to make 10 deals, 9 pages to stop Belle's rioting library, 8 portals in the bar fight - is there not a song or some kind of poem with that same scheme?" Snow wondered.

Both women were silent for a minute.

"… Nahhhh" Both women said, laughing at the absurdity of the thought.

"Ok so your going to love this next one" Emma told her, gearing up for the next round of crazy…

...

**Thank you to everyone who left reviews, you guys put a smile on my face :D (see there it is)**  
**Merry Christmas everyone!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok, I know its been a while, I also know Christmas is over and we are into the new year, But damnit I will finish this story! I'm sorry about such a long wait - but I've just moved and I've been very busy settling in - hope this makes up for the wait - I should be able to wrap this up in the next chapter! enjoy!**

**...**

When Emma's phone rang again she very nearly threw it through a window, she had barely chased of Hook and Jefferson after a fricken portal fight what in gods name could possibly be happening now?

"Set it on fire" Emma said into the receiver, skipping all greetings or formalities

"What?" David asked, confused

"David! Hi - I don't care what the problem is, the solution I'm giving you is to set it on fire"

"O-kaaaay… So you don't want to have lunch then?"

"Oh… actually yeah that sounds good"

"I'm outside the bar, come on out"

"How did you know I was here?" She asked, walking towards the door.

"Saw Grumpy, said he had to call you in - everything obviously worked out?"

Emma looked back at a bar that was in tatters with chairs strewn about the place, broken glass and tables and a very irate bartender staring death at her as he started to clean up.

"More or less" she said as she mouthed a silent 'sorry' to the man before walking out the door.

"Where too?" she asked, getting in David's truck "Granny's"

"Nah, another little place not far" he told her pulling away from the curb as she did up her seat belt. David drove down the street for all of 2 minutes before pulling over and parking in front of an antique's shop.

"Ah yes, the antiques shop restaurant - I hear they make a mean Panini?" Emma joked in her confusion. David seemed to produce a brown paper bag out of nowhere before pulling out a pastrami sandwich.

"No mustard right?" David said with a smile

"Who told you?" Emma asked, returning the smile as she accepted the food.

"A little bird… or wolf" He admitted with a shrug. "You sound like your having a rough day" he observed, taking a burger for himself from the bag.

"I'm not certain how it would have tasted after I set it on fire but thankfully we don't have to find out" he winked.

* * *

"Awwww" Snow crooned "I'm so glad you guys were bonding today - that must have been a highlight, right?"

"Oh it was - for about three minutes before it went all to hell" Emma sulked, throwing back a shot of tequila.

"Not even going to ask about the shots" Snow muttered to herself

Emma belched loudly "I don't know how this is happening but I am _loving_ it" she said, words sounding even more garbled as she put the shot glass down.

"But yeah, anyways… I didn't even finish the sandwich" Emma pouted

* * *

"I was wondering if you were still coming for pictures later?" David was asking just as Emma noticed two women arguing just a few feet away from the truck.

"Is that mother super- er, the Blue Fairy?" Emma asked squinting as she shouted at a women who looked thoroughly ashamed with her head hung low.

David followed her gaze and sighed.

"And poor Nova, yes" he said

"Here, this is more my expertise" he said, motioning for her to wait in the car.

"Uh, no its not, I'm the sheriff" Emma said, following him out of the car.

"Honey, I'm a king - I'm very used to handling these kinds of things, people listen to me" he argued as they both walked towards the two women.

"David - you're not a king here" she reminded him gently.

He seemed offended by this and puffed up his chest, now he had something to prove - he would show his daughter exactly how much of king he was still considered here.

_She'll be so impressed _he thought to himself.

"-and ontop of all that you're late! Late Nova!" the blue fairy squawked

"Ladies-" he said, sounding authorative as he interrupted the blue fairy dressing down little Nova.

The Blue Fairy held up her hand to silence him without taking her eyes off Nova.

"Busy" she hissed at him.

David kind of blinked, stunned as Emma stifled a laugh.

"H-hey!" David tried again a little less surely.

"Shh!" the Blue Fairy snarled at him as Nova gave him a sympathetic look.

Emma shook her head David looked at the two arguing women a little helplessly.

Emma brought her two fingers to her lips and whistled as loud as she could, stopping the arguing as everyone was forced to look at her.

"Hi" Emma smiled somewhat insincerely "I'm Emma, the sheriff - I'm having a bit of a day, so lets just resolve this so I can finish lunch before something else tralalala's in to fuck up my day" she chirped before dropping the smile.

"What's the problem ladies?"

"Nothing that concerns you" the Blue Fairy grumbled

"She is your princess!" David retorted angrily

"Whoa! Back up Charming, no ones put the tiara on me yet" Emma said holding up both hands - but he didn't seem to be paying attention to her.

"Show some respect" he glowered at the Blue Fairy.

She turned her nose up ever so slightly at his demand before looking to Emma like he wasn't there. Emma could tell it was really throwing him that no one was listening to him - she felt bad for him.

"This is a fairy business, the sheriff cannot grasp the fact that I'm full of magic and sparkles, I crap confetti and magic blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaahh blah blah"

* * *

"What?" Snow asked with a raised eyebrow

"Well that's what I heard anyways" Emma shrugged

"The Blue Fairy sounds as if she was being rather…" Snow paused as if looking for the right word.

"Bitchy?" Emma supplied

"Emma!" Snow admonished

"What? I'm not saying *hic* that she's a bitch" Emma reasoned.

"But if I had to name, like *hic* five of the bitchiest people I know? *Hic* she'd be at least three of them" she told her mother, pouring back a vial of blue liquid from what looked like a test tube into her open mouth - gargling before swallowing.

"Ha, tastes blue" she giggled

"Emma damnit! Stop drinking the magically appearing drinks!" Snow demanded, snatching the empty test tube from her daughters hands.

"Why?" she asked, blinking her eyes slowly like she was trying to clear them enough to make Snows face out.

"Because I could light your breath on fire with a match at this point" Snow said "also its barely four o'clock"

"Meh - it's five o'clock somewhere, anyways…"

* * *

"Blah blah blah Nova lost the pages of our magical text somewhere blah" the Blue Fairy ranted. "Blue you need to calm down" David sighed

"You mean the ones that turned the library into fantasia 2000?" Emma asked

"Damnit Nova!" Blue snarled at the shrinking nun

"Blue-" David tried again

"BLAHBLAHBLAH!" Blue raged

"That's it, I've had enough of your shit tinkerbell - sword fight me!" David ordered drawing his blade

"Well that escalated quickly" Emma muttered to herself.

* * *

"Oh my god Emma that is not what happened" Snow sighed exasperatedly

"I'm sorry - were you there?" Emma asked derisively

"Charming would never say that - your just drunkenly making crap up now" Snow accused somewhat sarcastically.

"I'm just cutting out the boring stuff and getting to the meat of the story, cause in reality there was a lot more pointless arguing and dumbassery" Emma shrugged, attempting to drink a long island ice tea that Snow promptly wrestled out of her hand.

"Give me that. Did charming really sword fight the Blue Fairy?" she asked

"Well she got more bitchy, tempers rose - she questioned his kingly skills and then she questioned his sword fighting skills and things sort of…" Emma made a rolling gesture with her hand.

"Honestly I think he was trying to impress me a little" Emma admitted.

* * *

"He ever tell you I enchanted his sword?" Blue asked Emma, not bothering to wait for her answer whilst David's face looked incredibly offended as she continued.

"If I hadn't enchanted your sword you'd have been dead forever ago" Blue claimed snootily

"Bitch I killed a dragon before-"

* * *

"Emma stop making your father curse!"

"Fine!" Emma sighed

* * *

"Blue I killed dragons before I even knew how to wield a sword - your enchanting skills have nothing to do with this!" David snapped back

"Why don't you prove it then!" she said challengingly

"You want to fight me?" David asked pulling out his sword

"Indeed" She hissed back

"T-t-there's no need f-f-f-f-for violence!" Nova stuttered

"Ok, everybody calm down" Emma said as she tried getting between the two.

"Just watch Emma, I'm about to be completely badass" David had told her winking

"No David, this is a bad idea - a really bad idea!" Emma said, voice pitch rising with panic as she watched them both square off.

David did a few tricks with his blade, swinging it about to showcase the precise control he wielded over it before striking a stance that clearly invited Blue to try and match him.

"Come at me bro" David sneered.

* * *

"Oh come on! He would never say crap like that!" Snow said, calling Emma out once more on her bullshit.

"I'm tellin da story!" she slurred, overruling her mother loudly.

* * *

"Bitch please" Blue said rolling her eyes. With a wave of her hand conjured five enchanted swords that floated menacingly before him.

"… I may have made a mistake" David told Emma calmly as he stared wide eyed at the floating swords.

"What is it with this day and floating weapons?" Emma asked under her breath.

The swords came at David who pushed Emma out of the way as he proceeded to duel with the magic blades, six swords swinging through the air to clash loudly and send cold sparks flying through the air. He dodged and dipped under the swinging blades with expert speed and skill as Nova took to trying to talk a little sense into the Blue fairy.

"Blue this is really unnecessary" Nova said nervously

"He started it" Blue pouted

Nova looked at Emma apologetically, like the Blue Fairy was being a minor yet rude inconvenience rather than enchanting five swords to try and hack her father up.

"Both of you quit it!" Emma snapped as David rolled out of the way of two swinging swords and blocked another two with a single parry, jumping to avoid the one that swung to take him out at the knee's.

Wow, he really was pretty badass in a fight.

"Nova - use you magic to stop this pissing match please" Emma sighed

"I'm not allowed" Nova said sheepishly

"Are you fu- ok fine, how do _I _stop this bullshit!?" she asked agitatedly as David rolled on the pavement while five swords tried to spear him like a tooth pick.

"Stop yelling at me!" Nova cried

"Oh my god - hey Blue!" Emma yelled strolling up to the Blue Fairy

"What?" Blue snapped

Emma pulled her fist back and punched her in the face, dropping her like a ten pound bag of potato's.

The swords dropped as soon as she did, except for the one impaled in the ground between David's legs.

"Who said violence solves nothing?" Emma huffed just as Nova fainted.

* * *

"You clocked the Blue Fairy" Snow said in utter disbelief

"Sometimes the weird in my life has the upside of sounding awesome - yes, I punched out the Blue Fairy" Emma laughed proudly, the lids of her eyes growing heavy with liquor.

"… Normally I would not condone this but today I'm simply proud of you" Snow shrugged, smiling. She got up to go put the long island ice tea she'd taken from her daughter on the kitchen counter.

"Ok, six swords, you know I'm starting to rethink that theory I had earlier - I mean it's just to much of a coincidence, right?" Snow asked as she returned to the couch.

That's when she saw Emma had passed out.

Perfect she thought sighing - how the hell was she going to move her now? She was probably going to be way to hung over to come to her Christmas party now she thought as she heard a knock at the door.

She got up to answer it as Emma snored loudly from her spot on the couch.

When Snow opened the door no one was there, all she saw was a small box laying at her feet.

"Ooo, presents!" Snow said excitedly, clapping her hands together as she picked up the box.

* * *

**Snow White's Five Golden Rings**

She was just about to close the door when she saw Charming coming down the hall.

"Charming" she smiled, throwing the door back open for him to come in.

"Snow" he greeted kissing her on the cheek.

"Why's Emma passed out on the couch?" he asked curiously as he spied his daughter drooling on one of the cushions. Snow went to sit in the love set opposite her.

"She's dealt with a lot today - in fact she just finished an interesting story about you" she said with a pointed look.

David smiled sheepishly "In all fairness Blue was acting like she was off her meds"

"So I heard" Snow said shaking her head as she opened the box to see five lovely golden rings.

"Oh my god these are beautiful!" she squealed, excitedly reaching in to pick one up and examine it.

"Who's it from?" David asked, coming to stand by her chair to examine the gift.

"I don't know, there was no card" Snow responded, so excited that she started to put each gold ring around one of her fingers.

David opened his mouth to say something when suddenly four of the rings sported four glowing letters shinning from them that had not been there before Snow had put them on.

"B. L. U. E" Snow said each letter before her eyes widened.

The fifth one on her thumb lit up with three words.

_Paybacks a bitch_

"Well this can't be good" David said.

Suddenly Snow stood up and her hand shot forward of it's own accord to smash into David's face.

"Gahh!" David yelped, hitting the floor as he clutched his nose.

"Oh my god! Charming I'm so sorry I didn't do that! Are you ok?" she squealed back.

Seven dwarves barrelled through the door a second later.

"What's going on? We heard the king scream" Grumpy demanded

"Bit like a girl too" Doc noted.

"I think I just put on cursed-" Snow began.

But as Grumpy drew near her to check on Charming her fist shot out and stroked him so hard he hit the ground almost instantly.

"Oh my god! Grumpy I'm so sorry!" Snow yelped, trying to yank the rings off her fingers.

The other dwarves rushed forward to help Grumpy and David from the floor.

All the noise was enough to pull Emma from her drunken stupor just in time to see her mother successively punching out the remaining six dwarves, apologising profusely as she did so. She stared blank faced as Snow haymaker'd doc and he made a noise much like the crow who'd been nailed out of the air by one of the crossbows earlier that day, flying backwards.

"It's not funny!" Snow snapped at Emma who was now laughing so hard she was snorting as Snow stroked out Sneezy who twirled artfully in his dress before crashing to the floor.

"What in the holy hell is going on? I was passed out for, like-" she looked at the clock, squinting for a long moment

"Five minutes" she finished slowly.

"I just put five golden rings on that the Blue Fairy sent me" Snow said, sounding embarrassed.

"Cursed rings" Emma said, not sounding the least bit rattled by any of this.

"Who puts all five rings on one hand Snow?" Emma asked instead.

"Are you gonna help or not!?" Snow yelled as her fist pulled back like a heat seeker which the dwarves were doing their very best to avoid while trying to pull injured comrades to safety.

"Nope" Emma said simply, rolling over to go back to sleep.

"What happened?" Grumpy growled as he go his feet in a bit of a daze.

"Grumpy look!-"

To late, Snow fed him another knuckle sandwich and he was out for the count again.

"Grumpy!" Happy yelled as dopey unwisely went to his aid like a moron.

"Oh god my eye!" Emma heard Dopey shrieked

"I'm sorry! Oh god Dopey I'm so sorry!" Snow pleaded "EMMA!" she shouted alternately.

"I'm comin, I'm comin" Emma relented, opening her eyes and getting up. She wobbled a bit on her feet and grasped the arm of the couch to stay upright.

"I'm waaay to drunk for this" Emma muttered to herself while Snow had drawn back from everyone in an attempt to stop her hand from further smashing faces.

Emma tried to walk but ended up stumbling and was only kept out of the reach of Snow's lethal left hook by sleepy's hand pulling her back by her arm.

"Thanks there narcolepsy" Emma slurred appreciatively

"No *yawn* problem" he said

"Did you see that?" Happy asked

"Yeah it was kind of hard to miss my mother boxing with the seven dwarves and winning - hey is that David on the floor?" she asked

"No, the rings! They glowed brighter when you got close" Happy pointed out to Emma.

Emma laughed, "What a bitch" she sighed

"What?" Snow asked confused.

"I think I know how to break the curse" Emma said "You need to punch me"

"What? No!" Snow refused "I'd never hit you!" she said as Emma stumbled forward.

"Come on, I'm sooooooo unbelievable drunk I probably won't even feel it" Emma said - getting a magical punch to the face was the perfect way to end this day at this point.

Snow held her hand back with her other hand as it tried to take a swing at Emma, letters glowing brightly.

Emma rolled her eyes, swaying on her feet.

"Oh for the love of all that is holy, just punch me!" Emma snapped impatiently.

"Honey I can't-"

"Your pixie cut makes you look like a lesbian" Emma interrupted obnoxiously. There was a half second of incredulous anger on Snow's face that caused her restraining hand to slip.

Riiiiight, slip.

**SMACK**

"Oh god Emma! I'm sorry!" Snow cried as the rings went cold and fell off her fingers, Emma laying on the floor holding her eye and rolling from side to side.

"JesusIlied!" Emma wheezed on one breath in a high pitched whine "thathurt!"

Then she passed out again.

...

**Leave me a review and let me know what you think - if anyone's got some suggestions for awkward family photo's let me know! I might draw from you guys, hope the new year is going well for all of you!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Ok, this last chapter got long so I decided to split it into two, thank you everyone who has left me such wonderful reviews, you guys make my day - enjoy part 1!**

**...**

**Emma & Henry's Four Awkward Family Photo's**

Emma came to oddly enough sitting fully upright in a chair confused and strangely enough feeling terribly sober (she said terribly because oh dear sweet baby

Jesus her face…) - Snow had literally punched the drunk out of her.

Emma rolled her head over to see that Henry of all people was standing next to her, facing forward in a cute little tuxedo, a top hat, cane and monocle.

"Christ - how hard did Snow hit me?" Emma asked.

Henry jumped a bit startled by her voice before looking at her and smiling.

"Oh good your awake!" he said, then he gave her a look of desperation.

"Grandma's making me wear this, please help me mom" he pleaded in a whisper.

"Don't be silly you look handsome" Snow's voice came from behind her.

Why did this all seem weirdly familiar? Hadn't they done this earlier?

Emma looked up to see Snow and David standing behind her looking down, dressed in their best as well - David in what Emma could only describe as kingly attire (crown and all) and her mother wearing a dress that looked like it was made out of swans.

Plus David was sporting a bandage on his nose now and both eyes were black.

"Either I have a concussion or reality is on LSD - which is it?" Emma asked tiredly.

"What? I think we all look fantastic!" Snow gushed with a big smile.

"Damn - she really got you good David" Emma remarked eyeing the bandage on his nose

"Yeah, that one had some heat behind it" he shrugged "Side note: Blue is uninvited from our Christmas party sooooo hard" he added.

Emma frowned up at her parents upside down faces.

"Why is everyone all dressed up? And posed?" she asked looking around to see six dwarves over by the bed tending to their bruises, except for Doc.

Doc was standing a few feet in front of them, working a big camera.

"You're taking family photos _now_!?" Emma seethed, sounding appalled

"Well we have to get them done and Henry only has so long before he has to go to hockey practice" Snow tried to explain.

"Wait a minute, we did family pictures! I know because I very specifically mentioned that we did them earlier - why are we doing it again!?" Emma asked aloud.

"Oh it's so cute how you try to hold on to some kind of continuity" David said pinching her cheek.

"What the hell universe!?" she yelled at the ceiling, slapping David's hand away. Her mind said _this is not possible!_ To this Storybrooke just laughed and said _Not possible? You're so cute!_

"I can't believe this - I was unconscious for god sakes!" Emma protested, getting up and marching over to Doc, who obligingly turned the camera to show her the picture.

Henry stood beside her, eyes slid to the side to look at her unconscious form, squirming in his tuxedo and trying to loosen the bow tie, monocle just slipping out of place. She sat propped up like a doll, head lolling to the side with her mouth open, Snow and David standing behind her each with an arm around the other, Snow looking lovingly at the prince Charming she'd knocked the fuck out not fifteen minutes earlier, David still managing to make moon eyes at her with his bruised face - Emma was sporting her own shiner and she noticed that David was holding her arm and waving her limp hand for her.

"Hahaha - no - HELL no even" Emma said handing the camera back to Doc.

"Delete it, delete that monstrosity now" she ordered.

"Emma we need family pictures" Snow complained

"Do I have to look like a villainous dapper penguin for family pictures?" Henry asked, fiddling more with his bow tie and swinging his cane.

"You don't look like a penguin" David tried to assure him.

Henry dropped his cane and pointed a finger at him almost menacingly.

"Don't you lie to me" Henry said with narrowed eyes.

"Snow you look like your wearing a swan you just shot, Henry looks like a villain from batman and King David is waving my hand while I drool on your cushions!"

"It was for a laugh" Snow shrugged sheepishly

"I'M UNCONCIOUS!"

"It made you far more agreeable to this" David noted…

* * *

"She did sort of only let us take one picture before running off back to work…" Snow said, watching her daughter lie, for the second time that day, unconscious on the couch.

"Emma if you think we should retake our family Christmas pictures say nothing" David said.

"…"

"Excellent everyone agrees!" David smiled brightly

"I'll go fetch Henry!" Snow said running off.

* * *

"I can't believe you two!"

"Well it's practically the only way I could get you in the picture!" Snow argued throwing her hands up.

"Well I'm awake and unfortunately sober so lets try this again" Emma said throwing her hands in the air as she sat down in her chair.

"Doc, take another damn picture" she demanded.

"Hey where did the cane go?" Henry asked, looking around for it as everyone struck a pose. Unable to find it he shrugged and joined in.

Doc readied for the picture, just as he was taking it though Emma felt one of her parents slip a hat on her at the last second that drooped over her eyes. Well slip was the wrong word really, it was like the were trying to fit her whole body inside the damn cap.

*click*

"Got it" Doc said proudly, skipping over to show them as Emma reached up to slap which ever one of her parents hands away as she pried the hat off her head.

"Seriously you two? She snapped

Emma held back the over sized orange Santa hat to look at it.

"What the hell? It's not even the right color" Emma muttered before looking at the picture Doc had come forward to show everyone.

The hat covered her eyes and her mouth was down turned in a frown, snapped at the precise moment that Henry started giggling and Snow was glaring at David who was impishly sliding the hideous orange abomination of Christmas onto her head like he was trying to pull it down past her knees.

"Seriously Charming?" Snow asked

"What! Its cute!" he snickered.

Emma reached up and flicked his nose

"OW!" he cried, pulling back from her before tripping over his own feet and falling.

"Emma!" Snow snapped

"He started it!" Emma pouted

"Children!" Henry said loudly drawing everyone's attention as he removed his monocle and placed it on the love seats arm rest.

"Hockey starts shortly - perhaps we can stop dicking around and just take this picture?" he suggested

"… Henry you're ten - you can't say dicking around" Emma said, looking just as stunned as her parents.

"And yet here we are" Henry said spreading his arms wide with a smile much like the one Emma wore when being cheerfully sarcastic.

"This is the fruit of your loins" Snow said to Emma from out the side of her mouth

as they all got into place for another re-take.

"Ok, I just put the monocle down where did it go?" Henry asked, clearly puzzled and frustrated.

"Just forget it Henry. God, next thing we know we'll be getting photo bombers" Emma muttered under her breath.

Doc readied for the picture…

The door flew open as a blur hopped into Emma's lap just as the camera took the picture.

"I WAS FUCKING JOKING!" Emma yelled, looking to the person sitting on her lap.

"Hello love" Hook smiled.

Emma stood up so fast that Hook was unceremoniously dumped onto the floor with a loud thud. She glared down at him while he grinned up at her. Then his smile faded.

"That's quite the shiner lass, who is it I must murder for this offence?" he asked standing

"Who is this?" David demanded

"By all means Hook, please give me a reason to arrest you" Emma invited

"Oh my god - Captain hook?!" Henry said, jaw dropping open.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" Henry squealed jumping up and down so excitedly his top hat fell off his head. He ran up to Hook, yammering a thousand questions a second.

"Are you from Neverland? Are the lost boys real? Can they fly? Do you have a ship? Do pirates wear underwear? The ships the Jolly Roger right? Is there really a Smee? Can I meet him? Can I see your ship? Can I go with you to Neverland? Mom can I go to Neverland?" Henry didn't wait for an answer before gasping and looking near to fainting with the utter exhilaration of the idea "OhmygodImgoingtoNeverland!"

Hook was backing away from the boy looking overwhelmed.

"Good god did it just try to hex me?" he asked with a wary eye on Henry.

"That it is my son you jackass" Emma snarled at him.

"How do you know so much about my life small child?" Hook demanded, ignoring Emma as Henry only grinned back at him, star struck.

Emma rolled her eyes and marched over to Doc to examine the picture.

"This is Captain Hook?" she heard David asking Snow.

In the new picture Everyone was looking startled except for Hook who was sitting in Emma's lap with his arms thrown around her neck - one leg thrust in the air and making a kissy face at the camera.

"Where are the magic martini's when you need them?" Emma sighed burying her face in her hands.

"He's too pretty to be Captain Hook" David laughed

"He's also an ass" Snow added, glaring at the man who was looking suspiciously at the small overly excited boy.

Hook looked up and grinned lecherously at Snow at the comment.

"Don't pretend your undergarments didn't drop the day I winked at you" he purred.

"There was practically a hole in the ground"

David saw fit to reply to the lewd remark. With his fist.

He literally leapt over the couch to feed Hook his fist who took it on the chin - Hook's knees gave under him like jello and he crashed to the floor looking like he was seeing stars.

"That's my wife you prick" he growled at Hook, who couldn't hear him on account of the ringing in his ears.

"Most violent. Christmas. Ever" Emma said as Charming dragged Hook by his foot to the dwarves saying something she didn't catch. The dwarves all heaved him up like he was a crowd surfer and left out the front door with him before he could gather his wits enough to even speak, whistling as they went.

"Listen to the pretty birds…" Hook mumbled goofily as they carried him out.

"Ok" David smiled, closing the door behind him "lets try this again shall we?"

"Am I ever going to see him again?" Emma asked warily

"I make no promises - picture time!" David crowed cheerfully.

"But, but -" Emma stuttered as David grasped her by her shoulders and firmly pushed her into her chair and sitting her down.

"I'm not going to Neverland am I?" Henry pouted as Snow fixed his bowtie, almost choking him.

"Nope" Snow chirped, patting him on the head before taking her position behind Emma with David.

"Ok, now my top hat is gone! It was right here… Emma the room is eating my things!" Henry pouted.

"You look better without them kid" she assured him

"They were the only things I liked about the outfit" he muttered to her, crossing his arms petulantly while everyone settled into place.

"Ok" Doc said readying the camera "three, two -"

The door slammed open once again and there in the doorway in full chain mail and a sword stood king George.

"I've come for my reveGAAAHHH!" he reeled back as a golden crown hit him full in the face. David had taken off his own crown, throwing it like a bejeweled Frisbee that had taken George out just as Doc snapped the picture.

"What the hell!?" Emma yelled just as Henry collapsed on the floor laughing.

"Oh, good throw honey" Snow said kissing her prince Charming on the cheek.

"It's Christmas, thought I'd let him have his crown for the day" David shrugged, plucking a wayward feather from Snows dress.

"I like this one" Doc said with a smile as he skipped over to show it. Everyone leaned in to see.

David was in mid throw like it was possibly the most important shot he would ever make, Emma was face palming, Henry was shaking his fist as if the very room was against him. Snow was the only one smiling at the camera.

"… close enough" Emma shrugged.

**...**

**Ok, if you don't already know, I do ship Emma with... I'll give you a hint - he has his own ship. Why do I make mention of this? Oh, no reason - no reason at all... :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Finished long after Christmas has passed, I know - it's been a busy new year! LETS DO IT!**

**... **

**Ruby's Three Nights**

Emma was sitting at the table with a glass of eggnog as the Christmas party with all of Storybrooke's inhabitants began to roar into full swing. The dwarves were singing Christmas songs, Archie was doing party drinks, Granny was handing out knitted hats, people were dancing (Gold was actually using some of her moves she'd shown off earlier and Belle was laughing at him) as Snow weaved about with trays of goodies for everyone - it was actually kind of normal. Emma was still however trying to get back to at least half the state of inebriation she'd managed to achieve earlier today with her magically appearing drink to be able to better socialize. She'd seen both the Mad hatter and Hook mulling about, waving at her over enthusiastically - what was so intriguing about her that they would ignore the fact she wished to physically harm them? So she'd taken up this spot where David was in sight at all times - for nothing was more powerful a mood killer than a woman's over protective father. So she sat undisturbed and tried to drink herself into a more social mood - but she was pretty sure Snow was having all her drinks watered down.

_Damn parents _she thought as Ruby took up the empty seat beside her.

"Hey Ruby… Oh. My. _God_." Emma said as she got a look at Ruby's rainbow coloured hair, it was so bright and vivid it looked as if it were glowing. It looked as if she'd tried to tame it with a comb but it seemed determined to poof out like one of the Jackson fives afro's.

"Shut up" she growled at Emma

"Guess we know where that leprechaun decided to hide his lucky charms" Emma laughed, sipping at her eggnog.

"I was going to ask how you got your black eye" Ruby began sipping from a flute of champagne "But I'm just going to assume you deserved it"

"Regretting that deal with Mr. Gold yet?" Emma asked

"I think he threw in some fine print about this just to mess with me" she confided with a sigh.

"Well I think Snow's doing her best to keep me sober this Christmas and god help me I simply will not stand for that in this town. Wait what fine print?"

Ruby looked uncomfortable now.

"Well I did this deal three days ago and it happens to be my wolfs time and…" she looked around as if to make sure no one was listening.

"It doesn't go away" she whispered.

"What doesn't?" Emma asked with a raised eyebrow.

"The dye job! My fur is rainbow Emma" she huffed "Every full moon I look like a pride wolf"

"Well that is *giggle* unfortunate" Emma said, struggling to keep her face straight.

"You're a bad friend" Ruby said accusingly, pouting into her drink.

"Bitch please, I'm an awesome friend - who came over to your house with chocolate, duct tape, glitter and explosives when you had your bad break up?" Emma asked

"Cinderella - you arrested her"

"Because she's a crazy pyro - but it kept you out of trouble right? Here-here!" Emma said raising her glass and clinking it against Ruby's.

Ruby glared at her and Emma sighed.

"Ok - I'm sorry you've been turning into Rainbow-dash for three moons, it sounds embarrassing"

"Thank you! Just a bit of sympathy is all I ask for" Ruby said exasperatedly, finishing off her champagne

"And to answer your question - no I don't regret it" she said happily looking back at Gus who looked to be having a happily animated chat with Henry.

"What was the perfect gift for him by the way - cheese?" she joked, Ruby laughed.

"Don't be silly Emma - life time supply of peanut butter" she said patting Emma's shoulder before going back to mingle with the other party goers.

Hmm… that was really weird. Suddenly that theory Snow had come up with popped into her head.

12 horses

11 crossbows

10 deals

9 magical pages

8 portals

7 dwarves working

6 swords

5 magical golden rings

4 awkward family photo's

3 night of Ruby being a tye-dyed wolf

There was no damn way this was coincidence, it couldn't be - it was too crazy and to perfect-

"Perfect? I'm flattered" a voice said

Emma looked up to the previously unoccupied seat to see it was suddenly occupied by a girl who Emma has never seen before - she could tell that even past the fact the girl wore big thick rimmed glasses with the fake nose and moustache attached to the end of it.

"… Can I help you?" Emma asked slowly

"If the doctors can't cure crazy I'm afraid neither can you, but thanks!" the girl chirped still grinning

"Umm, who are you? And why are you flattered?"

"I have many names!" the girl said with an overly dramatic gesture "but you may call me… ForPony"

"… Oh god your serious aren't you?" Emma groaned

"Only yooooou can seeeeeee meeeeeee Emma" the strange girl continued, trying to make her voice ghostly and dire - and failing at making her voice sound ghostly and dire.

"Sup HP" Grumpy asked as he walked past their table

"Up high!" the girl said holding her hand up and receiving a high five as Grumpy continued on his way.

"Riiiiiiiiight…" Emma said, rolling her eyes.

"Has anyone ever told you that you do that a lot? Never mind not the point. This -" the girl continued on with a sweeping gesture "-is all my doing" she smiled.

"You did not pull this party together - so what exactly is all 'your' doing?" Emma asked.

"Everything that happened today" she told Emma cheerfully.

For a moment Emma just silently stared at the cheerful girl wearing her fake nose glasses.

"You have to the count of three to leave my presence" she said finally

"Oh come on don't be like that" the girl pouted

"ForPuppies-"

"ForPony" she corrected

"This day has been a crazy hell, I cannot be held responsible what I may do to you any second now" Emma growled.

"Oh come on! I gave you magical drinks - don't you remember that?" she said.

"My mom punched me in the face today!" Emma snapped pointing at her black eye.

"Ok, you're right, that was kind of a dick move" the girl conceded with a shrug.

"321!" Emma said on one breath.

She was about to try to hit her when she realized her almost virgin eggnog had disappeared and the hand she'd been pulling back to hit her with now held a vodka tonic.

"What the-"

"Friends?" ForPony asked with big wide innocent eyes.

"… I'll think about it" Emma muttered taking a sip of the drink.

"Great, I just wanted to let you know - this next part? I totally got your back" ForPony told her, giving her a thumbs up.

"What does that mean?" Emma asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes.

"That I'm putting a filing cabinet in your toilet"

"… What!?"

"So you can sort your shit out" she explained "Cause - and I may be a tiny bit bias here - I see you're in love" she told Emma with a sage like nod.

"Umm… no - no I'm not"

"Wow, you're so in love you don't even know it. Ok, I'm just gonna make it painfully obvious for you then" the girl assured her with a condescending tone, patting her hand.

"I hope something unfortunate happens to you" Emma seethed

"Have fun!" the girl sang in response

Emma blinked and she was gone.

"Yeah you better disappear!" Emma shouted causing everyone to look at her with confusion.

Emma sighed and downed the rest of her vodka tonic in one go.

She looked around and saw Hook boldly making his way towards her from the other side of the room, seemingly deciding he was unperturbed by the man who had cleaned his clock earlier that day. His coat was flapping in the wind as he strolled in slow motion, eyes spearing her by being dramatically highlighted with eye liner as he made his way.

"How is he doing that?" Emma wondered out loud, watching him as a spot light seemed to follow him. Painfully obvious indeed - and she'd ride that horse when all of hell froze over, thawed and then froze again. Hook used his hook to rip his shirt open to expose his gloriously bare chest, still in slow-motion...

Ok, she was not entirely hating the view.

Someone was offering her something, she wasn't really listening as she reached over and took whatever it was

"Thanks" she said absently

An apple huh? She took a big bite out of the sweet blood red fruit as Hook got closer and closer. He thought David had a good punch? If he tried any mistletoe tricks or slow-motion sexiness she'd put him in a coma. She was a mite glad to see him alive though.

You know, cause she'd hate to arrest the seven dwarves and David. That was why.

wow, that was a damn good apple.

She swallowed and looked up to tell the person who had given it to her so.

And froze when she saw it was Regina smiling at her.

"Oh shit"

**Regina's Two Apples**

_Now there was a time when Regina would have happily stabbed Snow and her insufferable daughter and prince charming and her dwarves and her wolf - Ok, safe to say she'd have happily killed the lot._

_But now she had Henry, who she loved dearly and was changing for._

_She'd been doing so well she'd even been invited to the Christmas party.._

_And now was her chance to show everyone that she was using her magic for good only._

_And to piss of Rumplestiltskin but honestly who could hold that against her?_

_No one right?_

_Right. Anyway's she decided she was going to use magic for the ultimate Christmas gift for someone to show the town, and more importantly Henry, that she was good - and awesome. __She was going to help someone find their true love. __She cast the spell on two of her lovely apples and went to the party. It was only as she arrived she realized she probably shouldn't have cast the spell on apples. She sort of had history with apples. She'd just have to assure the person she was giving it to that it was safe._

_"Here" she said thrusting her arm out to offer the first one to a little fairy named Nova "Eat this. It is not poisoned" she told her. Hmmm... it sounded a lot like an order though._

_Nova stuttered something and then fainted._

_Ok, not what she'd hoped would happen - maybe she should try someone else? And maybe she should smile, that was friendly right?_

* * *

"_Here!" she said offering the blood red apple to Archie Hopper with the biggest widest smile she could manage (making her look slightly deranged.)_

"_This is definitely not poisoned, you should eat it" _

"_Uhhhh… what was that Snow? You need my help?" he said to his left, even though Regina could clearly see S__now was having conversation with someone else._

"_Coming!" he yelled, getting up and scurrying away. _

_Damn crickets were always so sketchy. Ok, maybe she should try being less direct._

* * *

"_Wow!" she said loudly next to Dopey to get his attention as she pretended to admire the apple. He looked over and smiled goofily at it with her._

"_Looks yummy" he said, entranced by the fruit_

"_Right?" Regina agreed, holding it out to him "You should eat it"_

"_Ok" he said reaching out for it._

_Then a dwarf in a dress grabbed his arm and pulled him away from her. _

"_No dopey, we don't take candy from strangers" he scolded the soft headed dwarf._

"_But yummy!" the dwarf cried as he was dragged away._

_So close Regina thought. _

"_Yeah you better disappear!" _

_Regina looked over to see Emma Swan yelling at an empty seat before realizing everyone was looking at her and downing her drink in one go._

_Target acquired._

_Regina carefully made her way over to Emma. Who better to get this gift then the biological mother of her son? That would show everyone she'd changed for sure. __She'd have to use her most persuasive methods to accomplish this feat of gift giving but she could rise to the challenge. __Emma seemed distracted but Regina held the apple out to her anyway's._

"_Is this not a lovely-"_

"_Thanks" Emma said taking it without looking at her and taking a big bite._

SUCCESS!_ Regina crowed inwardly to herself._

_Emma looked at her, mouth opened to tell her something and then she seemed to see Regina and she froze._

"_Oh shit" _

**One True Love's Kiss**

"Did you just poison me on Christmas eve!?" Emma demanded, drawing everyone's attention to her and Regina.

"What!?" Regina said, sounding incredibly offended "Of course not! It's a gift" she told everyone holding up the second red apple.

"What kind of gift?" Emma asked suspiciously, standing.

"This spell helps you find true love!" Regina explained staring at the second apple that rested in her hand. Regina noticed hook, still walking towards them in slow-motion.

"Is he... ok?"she asked quirking her eyebrow.

"Yeah, just ignore him. He may be ten feet away but it's gonna take him like, another five minutes to get here" Emma shrugged

Everyone now watched Regina and Emma, waiting as well, but the apple did nothing and Regina frowned.

"… it's not doing anything" Emma observed aloud.

"Thank you Ms. Swan I can see that" Regina retorted in frustration.

"Well… what's it suppose to do?" she asked

"This damn apple is suppose to fly over and float above your true love" Regina explained, shaking the apple like that might make it work.

"Maybe-"

But before Emma could even finish the thought the apple suddenly shot to life - flying across the room at light speed. Right towards Hook, smashing into his face and knocking him off his feet.

What was with this day and people getting knocked out?

"Holy crap! Regina!" Emma yelled

"That wasn't suppose to happen!" Regina yelled back frantically as everyone began to crowd around the unconscious pirate. Emma was already on her phone.

"Dr. Whale's phone"

"Hi, emergency - my place" Emma said shortly as she went to her knee next to Hook.

"Oh? I see, I'll be right there" he told her before hanging up.

"Is he dead?" she heard David ask hopefully. Emma put her hand to his pulse and found it strong.

"Nope - still kicking"

"Damnit" David muttered.

Snow punched his arm before coming over to hand Emma a pillow from the couch to put under his head.

"Maybe we should splash some water in his face?" Regina suggested.

Ruby, who was standing beside Emma, poured her drink out onto his face. Not a twitch.

"Ruby!" Emma snapped "this is a hardwood floor!"

"Sorry" Ruby smiled sheepishly.

"Ok, everyone calm down - I called Dr. Whale he'll be here any-"

The door flew open like someone kicked it drawing everyone's attention to Dr. Whale standing there, holding a bottle of Vodka and-

"Are those handcuffs?" Ruby asked confused.

"Oh… well this is embarrassing" Dr. Whale said, as all of Storybrooke stared at him.

"Dr. whale? What the hell are those for?" Emma asked slowly.

"You said your place… I thought this was a sexy emergency" he admitted blushing

"WHAT!?"

"And you brought cuffs? … Your number's going in my speed dial" Ruby said, whipping out her cell phone and programming his number in. Emma stood up and elbowed her

"Ow! What?"

"Unconscious pirate now, booty calls later" Emma growled as Dr. Whale walked over, handing the cuffs to Ruby and checking on Hook.

"You should kiss him!" someone yelled.

"Who said that?" Emma demanded, glaring around the room.

"Said what?" Snow asked with a confused look.

Emma spotted the girl with the fake nose and moustache glasses standing by the window, drinking a glass of wine with a crazy straw.

"_You did this_" Emma accused in a hostile whisper, pointing a finger at the girl and eyes narrowing with anger. She smiled and gave Emma two thumbs up.

Emma returned the gesture. Only with a different finger.

The girls smile became a smirk as she pointed up. Emma looked up and saw high above her and Hook was mistletoe. When she looked back ForPony had disappeared again.

"This is a coma he will never wake from" Whale said "from the ten seconds I've taken to examine him this is my final irrefutable conclusion"

David and Jefferson fist bumped.

"This is a tough time for us all" Jefferson said gravely stepping closer to Emma "hold me Swan" he said making to hug her. David grabbed him by the back of his shirt and yanked him back hard enough to choke him

"We just had a nice moment and it's Christmas, please don't force me to hurt you" David said calmly

"It's my medical opinion you should come home with me for overnight observation. Possibly a physical. If you know what I mean" Whale told her waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Emma glared at him, willing her hands to not grab him by the throat to strangle him.

"I'm implying you should sleep with me" Whale said, afraid he wasn't being clear

"Jesus chr- Give me that" Emma snapped wrenching the Bottle of Vodka from him, twisting off the cap, putting the bottle to her lips and took three big glugs.

She then shoved Dr. Whale out of the way and pressed a kiss to Hooks lips.

His eyes flew open and a wave of magic poured out into the room that knocked the rainbow right out of Ruby's hair.

"He's going to be 100% ok" Dr. Whale sighed to the room as Hook stared up at Emma with a smile.

"I base this on Christmas magic" he continued, taking his bottle of vodka back from Emma and sulking away.

"Holy mother of god my hair!" Ruby squealed with joy

"Merry Christmas asshat" Emma said to Hook with the tiniest of smiles.

"Merry Christmas Swan" he returned with a grin.

"I think my work here is done" ForPony smiled, walking out the door.

...

**MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I couldn't resist. Thank you Andi88 for coming to me with this idea (****and alternately sorry it took me so long), thank you to YJ lover for a lending me some cracked idea's and thank you to everyone who read, left me a comment or did both! Much luvs everyone!**


End file.
